Copyright The Quipping Queen 2005.

JEEPERS CREAPERS IT'S JULY!

-- Odd Events & Activities Calendar for July 2005 --

Compiled by: Lady Beatrice Blitterlees & Lord Earl Craboon

July is one of the most popular jocund, jocose, and jocular months of the year.

In a nutshell, this means one can be jestful, merry, playful and witty without fear of becoming a public spectacle.

After all, it’s summertime. And in some places like Canada, this 60-day season comes but once a year ... along with oodles of blinking bugs, hordes of black bears, and far too many blessed barbecues to count.

“Joie de vivre” is in the air! Now get ready to jay-walk with joy, munch on jelly-beans with reckless abandon, and jog to your heart’s content (without any clothes on of course).

And without further adieu, as the saying goes, "May my karma run over your dogma". If you don’t fancy that, then enjoy the following odd activities designed to put a smile on your face if nothing else!

July 1 – JUMP FOR JOY DAY (Time to leap tall buildings, skip something important on your to-do list, and hang out with all the other jungle-bunnies at the Jungle Gym).

July 2 – JUNK ART, JUNK BOND, AND JUNK MAIL APPRECIATION DAY (Who said there’s no gold in them there hills of riff-raff and really tasty refuse!)

July 3 – JEZEBEL RECOGNITION DAY (A festive occasion to celebrate red-hot mommas, fashion-conscious floosies, and those saucy, sultry sirens that spice up life!)

July 4 – JUMBO APPRECIATION DAY (Time to honor all the white elephants supported by public taxpayers, and those everyone ignores sitting in their living rooms).

July 5 – JOUSTING TOURNAMENT DAY (For all Knights of the Board-Room Table who need to don their jock straps and shiny armor suits, ride well-heeled hobby horses, and yell “cowabunga” while poking each other in the mid-riff with super-duper, ludicrously long whopping rubber pointy things just to have a bit of fun and frolic).

July 6 – JOHNNY-ON-THE-SPOT APPRECIATION DAY (Time to honor the humble but clean and safe public places of ease that afford one the opportunity of taking a piddle during a parade, a leisurely leak during a jamboree or simply letting the creative juices flow at an outdoor jazz festival …so when nature calls, why isn't there a blinking one in sight?)

July 7 – NATIONAL JERRY-BUILD & JURY-RIG RECOGNITION DAY (It’s never too late to honor all those marvelous makeshift folks who simply slap things together with a bit of duct-tape, silly putty, and glue ...without everything falling down around their ears!)

July 8 – JUNKET AWARENESS DAY (Time to audit all the places politicians, pundits, and grand pooh-bahs have visited in the name of “expanding business opportunities” or “understanding diverse cultures” …all on the taxpayers’ tab!)

July 9 – JIM-DANDY, WHIZBANG & HUMDINGER DAY (A great way to honor average Joes who want a name change and need a reason to have a party when it isn’t even their birthday!)

July 10 – JEEPERS CREEPERS - IT'S CRAB APPRECIATION DAY (In honor of all those cranky Cancer-types who love security, money, food, children and also some very old casual clothes with designer labels you wouldn’t be caught dead in even if they were once worn by Batman or the Bees Knees).

July 11 – JOLLY JUXTAPOSING DAY (For all those folks with a color-coordination or mix-and-match impairment gene, and now a valid excuse to dress up like a dashing dork!)

July 12 – JOYSTICK & JOYRIDE AWARENESS DAY (This day is dedicated to people who are all thumbs, hate teeter-totters, and always dreamed of driving a kiddy-car).

July 13 – NATIONAL JOB-HOPPING DAY (In honor of those who quit their juicy jobs as call center operators, burger flippers, or toll booth attendants and ran away to the circus).

July 14 – JAW-BONING & JAY-WALKING DAY (Time to recognize the vital role played by influence peddlers and crazy cross-walkers in the lives of the dull and boring).

July 15 – JOB’S COMFORTER AWARENESS DAY (There’s one in every crowd who discourages or depresses while seemingly giving comfort and consolation – give them a wailing towel, a big fat sucker, and send them back where they came from fast!)

July 16 – JOSHING & BANTERING DAY (Good-natured teasing, idle-talk, and twiddling thumbs burn calories and brings bliss, what more do you want from life?)

July 17 – JUMPER, JUMP-SUIT & JOHNNY FASHION DAY (Time to honor clothes designed for folks with no curves, no class and no clever jokes to get a laugh!)

July 18 – NATIONAL PUT-YOUR-JOHN-HENRY-HERE DAY (Finally a day to finger all those folks who scribble signatures on documents that none of us can read!)

July 19 – JANGLED NERVES & JIGSAW PUZZLE DAY (A time to honor little lost puzzle pieces and those frazzled folks who call this leisure activity – stress-busting!)

July 20 – JODHPUR APPRECIATION DAY (A form-fitting pair of leggings with a full cut through the hips that every well-dressed closet elephant-lover should wear!)

July 21 – JOLLY ROGER RECOGNITION DAY (Pirates are pleased that basic black is back, while patriotic flag-waving folk adore the classic look of skulls and cross-bones to impress their friends & foes!)

July 22 – JOHNNY-COME-LATELY DAY (If you’re always late for a very important date …and your name’s not the “Mad Hatter”… this day is made for you!)

July 23 – JITTERBUG APPRECIATION DAY (So you have two left feet, and you can’t find the right groove let alone the wrong one…but who says you can’t jive, jump and down, or jiggle your booty like the Big Bopper or the Loony Crooner?)

July 24 – JETSAM & FLOTSAM APPRECIATION DAY (Time to toss a few things overboard in the sea of life before you take that all-expense paid trip on the Titanic!)

July 25 – JIGGING, JOGGING, & JUGGLING DAY (A way to honor those who like tap dancing on the head of a pin, running a mile in someone else’s shoes, or deftly tossing objects in the air with not a hope in hell of catching them without the aid of an iron fist in a velvet glove, a spanking new magic wand and the Wizard of Id presiding over this ridiculous spectacle).

July 26 – JALOPENA PEPPER AWARENESS DAY (If the devil is in the details, then Beelzebub probably eats Tabasco sauce for the main course and hot peppers for dessert! So if you want to be a big bouncer or a big bazooka movie star – eat plenty of those suckers!)

July 27 – JUMP IN THE JACUZZI DAY (To gain a new perspective on life, toss your knickers, drop your drawers and enjoy a bubble bath with your friends or neighbors).

July 28 – INTERNATIONAL JARGON APPRECIATION DAY (In recognition of people who love the sound of their own voices and enjoy spitting out some very strange words that baffle or boggle the mind of those who have to wade through all their bleeping bumpf!)

July 29 – JOVIAL JINGOISM DAY (Time to write a hiliarious, catchy but short patriotic jingle to rally the freedom-loving world against the evils of licking luscious bubble-gum flavored soft ice-cream on a hot day!)

July 30 – JACK-IN-THE-BOX & JUMPING JACK DAY (A day honoring all those who spend an inordinate amount of time, money, and other resources trying to stuff “Jack-be-nimble-Jack-be-quick” back into the wrong frigging box ...but never tell that to a manager …because these Big Birds are paid to pigeon hole everyone!)

July 31 – JOWL APPRECIATION DAY (This is joy-filled festive occasion features fondling of a dewlap, wattle or pendulous part of a double chin belonging to an intimate friend or close companion - just to let them know how much their wiggly whatsit means to you).