"Those who know their minds do not necessarily know their hearts." La Rochefoucauld

Internet marketing fascinates me. It fascinates me so much that I am at the computer 12 hours a day. However, after a few months I noticed that my posterior was beginning to spread out and fit the contours of my desk chair a bit too comfortably. I was getting very pale and for the first time became aware that gray was now my natural hair color.

Action was needed and this is what I did:

• Because I was getting up at 4 a.m. to be able to spend 12 hours a day on the computer, I found that I was getting hungrier during the day. But instead of eating Fritos, I started having boiled eggs and apples as snacks. I quit putting chips on my grocery list. My husband complained about not having munchies in the house. I told him if he wanted them that much, he could buy them himself.

• Because I was getting up earlier in the morning to spend 12 hours a day at the computer, I started eating my dinner earlier in the evening. That meant my husband and I no longer had dinner together. He started bellyaching that there wasn't anything prepared for him when he got home from work. I told him it was about time he learned how to cook.

• Because I was spending 12 hours a day sitting in front of the computer, I decided I needed to spend at least half an hour on the exercise bike. So I got it out of the garage and set it up in the living room so that I could listen to the stereo while I exercised. My husband objected about having to look at it while he watched TV. I told him that was too bad and HE could use some exercise himself.

• Living in Florida, I've always had a tan and I like having some color. But because I was spending 12 hours a day on the computer, I didn't have time to spend in the pool. So I started using self-tanning lotion. My husband grumbled that he didn't like having to smell it at night. I told him he could sleep in the spare bedroom if it bothered him that much.

• Sitting in front of the computer for 12 hours a day, I was smoking cigarette after cigarette. By the end of the day I could barely breathe; my lungs felt so heavy and congested. I decided I would have to give up smoking. Of course, nicotine withdrawal made me v-e-r-y irritable. My husband said he wished I would start smoking again because I was so miserable to be around. I told him to go to #&*%!!!

• With the money I made from my e-business, I got an expensive new hair style, bought a new wardrobe (in a much smaller size), traded in my glasses for contacts and had just "a little bit" of plastic surgery done on my eyes. My husband griped that we could have used that money to fix up the house. I told him I was the one sitting in front of the computer 12 hours a day and I would spend my money as I pleased.

Now months later I'm thin, toned and tanned; I look and feel "drop-dead" gorgeous. Of course, no one has noticed because I spend 12 hours a day in front of the computer.

P.S. My only regret is that my husband is not here to see the "new me." He left me seven months ago...