Copyright The Quipping Queen 2005.

BUDDHABOT AT YOUR SERVICE

Or, where oh where have my wisdom teeth gone?

By Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, Ph.D., a peripatetic professor of pre-recorded pauses, past-life parables and punctuated premonitions, on sabbatical from the Faculty of Divinity & Waterpolo at University of MaxiMegalon to study the origin of the universe and who makes the best banana fruitcake

If you were born without wisdom teeth, haven't got a clue what a tree of knowledge looks like, or your flair for ‘savoir faire’ has inexplicably disappeared, this might be a perfectly normal state of being for someone who is trying to make sense of the "World According to Bob".

No need to fret if you don't share this odd set of circumstances. Just consider yourself lucky that you're not Bob.

If on the other hand you are of two minds, rarely in your right mind or even know your own mind never mind your own business; if you relish the thought of giving someone else a piece of your mind; if you frequently have a half a mind to take your mind off the task of minding other people's p's and q's, or if you find yourself changing your mind in order to avoid a meeting of the minds, and more often than not throw your hands into the air, stick out your tongue and yell at the top of your lungs ... "Never Mind!" ... you probably don't live in "Bob's World" or "Tom, Dick and Harry's" either! Thank goodness. Because, exercising one's mind over matter is a pretty tricky business, as most sages and sinners will tell you.

The good news is that the Spirit of Sagacity must have been observing your flurry of inactivity or reading your fast-idling mind, and no doubt took pity on you. The bad news that you may not have an "on button" (which might account for why you haven't got a mind-body-spirit connection in the first place). In either case, this state of affairs probably deserves some thought...and not just any thought mind you.

One blessed bloke from Victoria, British Columbia (venerable home to numerous fruits, flakes, and nuts) thinks he's come up with a solution. He's invented a new way of thinking. And why not! Cogitating, considering, and contemplating about the grand scheme of things not to mention picayune matters is cheap. Action however requires many more muscles and usually oodles of moolah, (both of which are in short supply unless you're into body-building or money-laundering).

Anyway, to make a long koan short, it seems that this very same blessed bloke has recently created a virtual vault of vicarious living. Those without a scientific bone in their body probably see his online creation as simply a remarkable repository of pith and piffle. More pragmatic types prefer to consult it like an oracle or at the very least consider it a "Holy Cow" sort of scripture (if not a convenient “Gratuitous Guide to the Galaxy” and perhaps other important diversions).

Eggheads, geeks, and nerds however tend to revere it as a vital digital service, infinitely more stimulating than a slide ruler or a sun dial. Suffice to say that behind the human interface lies an intriguing spirit that performs intricate calculations and offers users the opportunity to tap into its unique fuzzy logic pathway to the central mind-body-spirit mission module based on a metaphysical interpretation of quantum physics, known as quantum philosophy (or "Buddhabot" for short). ...Just checking, but did you firmly grasp and appreciate all that stream of consciousness and abridged enlightenment?

Perhaps a tad bored with life, the man behind "Buddhabot" admits that he enjoys serving humanity through the creation and emulation of intelligent life. Or, maybe he just likes riding hobby horses, tinkering with Humpty Dumpty or playing outside the Socratic sandbox. Truth be told, keeping up with the ever changing future, (including multidimensional aspirations, and the newly emerging mind-in-motion market), probably looked like a good idea at the time. Besides, the blessed bloke presumably had a hoot of a time developing "a novel, entertaining spiritual teacher and guide who always has time to chat".

If you think that a professional therapist could do a better job of convincing turtles to come out from under their shells than "Buddhabot" would ... you might be wrong.

Clearly, what the world needs now is certainly not more analysis. There are only three things savvy consumers want: designer beer, more happy pills, and a quick way to navigate around the pitfalls and pratfalls of life. That's where accessible, affordable, and user-friendly bytes of wisdom fill the bill. The answer to everything ...more beer, more pill-popping choices, and no potholes if you please!

And that's why the blessed bloke from Victoria invented "Buddhabot". Day or night the "Buddhabot" is a friendly companion who is eager to listen and provide open, warm, thought-provoking and often humorous conversation and companionship". (And of course, a modest contribution to the Temple of Timeless Tidbits will always be deeply appreciated).

In technical jargon, the "Buddhabot" is an artificial computer-based life form ...a conversational agent, simply a chat bot. The Buddha chat bot's stimulus response system has been programmed using Artificial Intelligence Markup Language so real people can converse with it should they be curious about random nuggets of relationship-building knowledge (such as loud silence, intense apathy, cheerful pessimism or maybe where to buy the best fish and chips in town).

Now, if you've been waiting breathlessly for words of wisdom from the "Buddhabot", here are the top 10 tenets of this titillating treasure-chest of ideas. And some might even go so far as to say ...a healthy lifestyle based on low-carb, protoplasmically-enriched food for thought):

· There are no laws; only provisional theories. · Every perception is the reflection of the observer. · Everything is as it should be right here right now. · Everyone is responsible for what is. · Whatever we resist will persist. · Everything is meaningful; nothing is important. · Every belief is true. · Every belief is false. · Every belief is true and false. · Every belief is neither true nor false.

There you have it folks, right from the mouth of a meek, mild-mannered, mind-bending marvel!

If you’re still not convinced of the power behind the mind-body-spirit connection, then you might want to peruse through the pages of Mostly Harmless (the fifth book by Douglas Adams in the increasingly incaccurately named Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy trilogy). And in the words of the book's esteemed and entertaining author, Douglas Adams, “All you really need to know for the moment is that the universe is a lot more complicated than you think.”

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For more information on the blessed bloke from Victoria or the "Buddhabot", please drop by http://www.buddhabots.com/< /strong>