11 Mar 2008 12:02:08 | Dusty Applegate
I've covered the U.S. Professional Battleship Tour since its
beginning in February 2005. I know that's not a lot of time for
this sport, but believe you me, I can't think of a more
backbreaking or grueling sport to watch, cover or think about.
What is Professional Battleship? It's making a living playing
the classic Milton Bradley board game. Some of the best players
include: James "The Fat Blacksmith" Sheppard III, Gadda
Hagga-Hagga, Texas Slim, Texas Hank, Carl the Floridian,
Scrupulous Kentucky Lou, Mad Oklahoma Johnson, The Idaho
Shocker, Lou "Shoulders" Padowski, The Green Hornet, Infomercial
James and El Presidente De Lo Ricardo Montalban Fan Club.
In order to be the best in Pro Battleship you have to be good,
but you also have to be lucky. Sometimes you have to be real
lucky.
"I was in a best-of-99 match and couldn't finish my opponent
until he made a series of F1-F15 blunders in round 77 that,
frankly, I didn't understand the logic behind," said Mad
Oklahoma Johnson. "But at that point I didn't care. Ultimately,
I ended up winning with little effort."
Texas Slim graduated from the A1, A3/G1, G3 School of calling a
game. Sometimes it's served him well. Other times it has not.
"I've been humiliated as a man, sure," Texas Slim said. "But
that comes with the territory. Battleship teaches you how to be
a better man."
When you go "nothing but white" in Pro Battleship, which means
you place nothing but white pegs on the opponents' board for at
least five rounds, it can become very frustrating.
"You feel like a sissy cream puff, maybe even a chicken-hearted
fool or pessimistic imp," said James "The Fat Blacksmith"
Sheppard III. "Some guys never get over it. I've seen their tour
careers ruined."
Pro Battleship can be rough, but the rewards can be amazing.
Scrupulous Kentucky Lou has won more than $10.45 in career
earnings. Infomercial James averages about $1.10 every 6-8 weeks.
"Some people think we're crazy," Infomercial James said. "Well
if that be so, then so be it."
About Author :
Dusty Applegate has written about Professional Battleship for
many, many, many weeks - perhaps a couple of months or so. He is
the author of three books: "Why Am I So Fat? Oh, It's Because I
Eat a Lot of Crap and Sit Around All Day Long", "Confessions of
a Fatso Donut Lover of Fat Foods" and "Hey Fatty: Get Out of My
Face." You can read his Battleship stories at
www.sportspulp.com.