18 Feb 2008 04:33:25 | Laurie Weiss, Ph.D.
You know the game, don’t you? Someone invites you to help them
solve a big problem and every great suggestion you make is met
with, “Yeah, but that won’t work because….” Frustrated and
defeated, you finally give up.
Next time someone tells you about a problem, use these steps.
1. Listen politely, without offering any suggestions. Remember,
it is not your problem.
2. Affirm that the problem is really important. Just say, “That
sounds like a really big problem.”
3. Ask, “What have you already tried (thought of) doing about
the problem?” You learn all the suggestions to scratch off your
list. And you subtly reinforce the capabilities of the person
with the problem.
4. After you hear the answer, ask, “How did that work out?” You
invite the problem holder to rethink his or her own challenge.
Often that leads to a solution on the spot, with thanks to you
for your brilliant suggestions. (Of course, you have not made
any suggestions, but that doesn’t really matter.)
5. Ask, “Is there anything you would like from me?” Often the
answer will be, “No thanks, I have figured out what to do next.”
If you are invited to do something more, you can choose to
accept or decline with a much broader understanding of the
problem.
These steps will help you resist your own tendency to try to be
a hero by solving someone else’s problem, usually before they
even ask for your help. This game usually starts by someone
lamenting about a problem instead of asking for help to solve it.
The invitation you are learning to decline is really about
proving that the problem is unsolvable, that nobody can help,
and that the problem holder is justified in giving up and doing
nothing further about the problem.
Instead, you affirm the problem holder’s skill and
resourcefulness, without getting involved in the game. And you
may become the hero after all.
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Laurie Weiss, Ph.D. Email: media@laurieweiss.com
Copyright 2004 Laurie Weiss, Ph.D.
About Author :
Laurie Weiss, Ph.D., author of Dare To Say It!, is an
internationally known executive coach, psychotherapist, and
author. For more simple secrets for turning difficult
conversations into amazing opportunities for cooperation and
success, visit http://www.DareToSayIt.com or email:
feedback@laurieweiss.com 
