Okay, guys: listen up! I am here to tell you what women want for Christmas. You probably already know it, but you don't understand it. What am I saying? Well, those little ads that have been mysteriously popping up on your dresser, on your workbench, or plastered to the windshield of your truck did not get there by accident. Somebody who wants you to pay close attention to what she really wants put it there. You don't think the wind blew it there do you? Oh, please! Let's go down the list and find out what your lady really wants for Christmas. I abbreviated everything for clarity and to be concise. That means the 27 items she really wants are condensed to just five. Get it?

1. Jewelry - You had to ask? What woman doesn't want something shiny to wear on her fingers, around her neck, her wrist, her anklet, her belly button...Okay, I'm not talking custom jewelry either. I'm talking about something that will retain its shine in all weather conditions and can be counted in the number of karats it possesses. You can count on it setting you back at least through the following June, probably as late as Thanksgiving...

2. Chocolate - Milk chocolate just doesn't cut it, fellas. Better for you to pick it up by the brand: Peregina, Godiva, and Richart are a few that come to mind. Yeah, get her the little stocking stuffer Santa chocolates too. She'll think that you are being real sweet!

3. To the Islands! Okay, time to splurge. Go all out and book that early February vacation to Paradise. You know you will need it by time that the 17th measurable snowstorm plasters your driveway. Oh, by the way, no matter how much she thinks that the kids should come along, make arrangements with your parents to come and spend the week at your house. If the kiddies come down with the flu at least they will be in a familiar environment with adults who will spoil them rotten!

4. Spa Membership - This one gets tricky. If you give her a spa membership, she will say that you think she is getting fat/old/wrinkly, etc. You're walking in dangerous territory, men! Better yet, make sure that it is a place where her friends already hang out. Tell her you want her to have regular quality time with her girlfriends. She won't buy your pitch, but she'll join especially when you present her with the other gift that she wants: chocolate.

5. Stuff for her minivan. You know how hard it is for you to summon up courage to drive the family van, right? Especially after driving your Dakota all week. Who wants to be caught driving that thing? She does! This is where you really have to die to self: give her spark plugs and spark plug wires for Christmas and leave it at that. Just kidding. Better to find the name brand auto parts she really wants: floor mats, seat covers, pet pads, etc. All the frilly little things that make her vehicle, well, her own.

Are you still not sure what she wants? Then just look. That advertisement on your workbench is open to the page for the item she wants... the one with the big, red circle around it. So, just get it and leave it at that. If you do, you'll be singing, "peace on earth and goodwill toward men" in no time. Merry Christmas!