After I sat down at a nearby medical centre, I glanced through a home and gardening magazine, dated unsurprisingly from fifteen years earlier. Being the culinary whiz that I am, I couldn't help but be intrigued by the article entitled 'The utensils you need to be a good cook.'

"Wow!" I thought, "So that's all it takes - just the right tools", and read on in breathless anticipation.

The list was quite daunting, totalling a mind-boggling 45 so-called essential items one needed in the kitchen. It included basics like:

(i) pots and pans (Well duh, even I could figure that one out); (ii) kitchen tongs (As opposed to toilet or bedroom tongs?); (iii) ladle (Don't have one of those, but I do have a large soup spoon); and (iv) can opener (Doesn't everyone open up cans using their teeth?)

Then there were some items which had me a little puzzled:

(i) egg slice (Isn't that what's known as a knife?); (ii) carving fork (Hello - isn't that supposed to be a knife again?); (iii) good knives (How do you tell a good knife from a bad one? Are the bad knives the disobedient ones that go out and party all night, and are dull and useless when you want to use them?) (iv) food processor (I thought that a food processor was my mouth and my stomach); (v) kitchen scales (No way! I refuse to put a set in the bathroom, so I'm not likely to have any in the kitchen for added torture); (vi) balloon whisk (Why would I need to whisk balloons into my cooking?); (vii) colander (Don't need one because I carry a diary with me); (viii) steaming basket (Of what?); and (ix) box grater (I've eaten food that tastes like cardboard before, but I'm not going to grate it into my food!)

When I got to the end of the list, I was frankly quite discouraged and despondent about the whole thing. But my spirits quickly picked up when I realised that they had omitted one item of which they were obviously fond - cooking sherry!