Relationships

We often find ourselves amid the wreckage of a love gone wrong, wringing our hands and asking, "Why did he or she turn out to be such a jerk?" I'm sure that person made one of the 14 Dumbest Relationship Mistakes, but what you should be asking yourself is, "Which mistakes did I make and how could I have prevented this?"

Sure, it takes two to tango, and if he (or she) was really a jerk, you think you probably couldn't have done anything differently, but you could have. A change in your behavior may have changed his (or her) behavior, or it may have ended the relationship early on before you were too invested. You see, couples are often unknowingly attracted because their "dysfunction" fits their mate's dysfunction," which then creates an addictive dysfunctional relationship. We learn our bad behaviors and choices in childhood. What we actually experienced as a child or what we observed from watching our parents' relationship is how we now play out our relationships.

This is why we make so many mistakes. But we can learn, become healthier, and stop choosing dysfunctional partners AND/OR not stay in a relationship that we know is bad for us. Most people make one or more of these mistakes repeatedly in their relationships.

Any relationship is a two-way communication and can't survive without a positive response from the other. It is like clapping of appreciation that needs two hands.

And I want to tell you don't give yourself a hard time. Don't be your own worst critic, be your own best friend. After all, if a friend of yours was going through a tough time, you wouldn't get on their case, would you? No, of course you wouldn't. Positive self-talk can be one of your best weapons for confidence-boosting, so make sure you cultivate the habit.

Undo 14 relationship killers:

Mistake #1: GIVING ENOUGH TIME: First thing is to spare time for each other. Without adequate and quality time, your relationship will not survive for long.

Save at least half an hour daily, and at least one full day in a week when the two of you spend time together- just two of you.

Mistake #2: FORCING INTIMACY: Men and women who force intimacy try to rush a relationship. They're in love with love. Men usually push sexual intimacy, while women comply by having sex too soon and then try to force the emotional intimacy. To stop this, YOU MUST TAKE THE RELATIONSHIP SLOW (1 date a week or less and no sex for 5 dates minimum, and keep dating others until your partner is committed to you).

Mistake #3: SHOWING YOUR LOVE: Male and female both depend on each other. One is incomplete without the other. So tell and show your partner how much you need him/her, but don't cling too long, as that can make your partner feel trapped. It may cause suffocation.

Mistake #4: EXPECTING YOUR MATE TO READ YOUR MIND: Couples constantly complain about poor communication, yet they think their mate "should know" how they feel and what they want. To stop this, YOU NEED TO COMMUNICATE: what you feel, what you want, ask if they get what you're saying, and then give them an ultimatum (tell them what you'll do if you don't get what you asked for).

Mistake #5: BE A GOOD LISTENER: Listen to your partner with heart. Encourage him/her to talk freely, by showing appreciation whenever needed. Be aware that most men aren't mentally programmed for conversation in the way woman are. Be patient and help him to open up.

Mistake #6: PLAYING THE MARTYR: Martyrs believe that "justice will prevail." They think that if they are good and sweet and nice and sacrificing, then they will get their reward and others will do good things for them. So they keep over giving and waiting for someone else to make their life better. But it never happens, so they become passive/aggressive and difficult to be around.

Mistake #7: BE CREATIVE: Learn new things to please him/her exclusively. It is very important to nurture a feeling of great care. If you don't yet know yourself, find out.

Mistake #8: THINKING YOU ARE ALWAYS RIGHT: There is a big difference between self-confident and self-righteous. When someone is truly confident, they are open to others' ideas. When someone is self-righteous, they are rigid in their thinking and afraid to listen to someone else's point of view. People who think they are always right are often admired (foolishly). But they are seldom loved and cherished (because no one can get close to them). To stop making this, YOU MUST BE VULNERABLE WITH YOUR MATE.

Mistake #9: GOOD OLD DAYS: Try to repeat those rosy moments which you both enjoyed in the beginning of your relationship. Learn to love him/her, with all his shortcomings.

Mistake #10: RESCUING YOUR MATE: It feels so good to "help" Others and we're taught that it's the right thing to do.

There's just one problem. To "help" someone, you must first assume that you are better or stronger than they are in some way. Rescuing is a "one-upmanship" behavior that is "controlling." So if you are "helping" your mate, you are also looking down on him or her -- and probably controlling their life. Rescuing causes much more resentment from others than gratefulness (which is what we expect).

Mistake #11: OPEN COMMUNICATION: Don't repress your feelings or angers. Hidden resentments poison a relationship; so if something bothers you, say it.

Mistake #12: TAKING YOUR MATE FOR GRANTED: We get comfortable and expect our partner to be around forever. We don't think we have to spend quality time with them or remind them how we feel about them. After all, we're just too busy for that. Feeling "taken for granted" is the major cause of cheating. YOU NEED TO REGULARLY SHOW RESPECT AND LOVE FOR YOUR MATE.

Mistake #13: LETTING PASSION DIE: People say passion will eventually die in any long-term relationship. But I disagree. Granted, it usually does, but that's because couples allow everything, except sex, to become a priority. The only thing that keeps a "love" relationship different from any other relationship (friend, roommate, family member) is the sexual connection. If a couple lets that go, they are letting go of "being IN love." YOU NEED TO CONTINUALLY SHOW YOUR MATE THAT YOU DESIRE HIM OR HER.

Mistake #14: DEVELOPING LONG LASTING RELATIONSHIP: Develop friendship by doing many things together - cooking, washing, gardening, watching TV etc. It will cement your relationship further, giving you joyful contentment in life.

Final NOTE

If you are in a relationship right now, or are thinking of going into one, there are 3 very important tips you should know and questions you should ask yourself before you ever get yourself into a relationship. This could save you from a lot of depression, heartache and pain when you are involved in a love relationship.

(1) Your lover does not owe you your happiness, peace or joy. Happiness is a state of mind we choose to have. All of your happiness, and all of your suffering, are created by you and they do not come from outside of you, or from others. Before you go into any type of relationship, ask yourself these questions: "Do I really, really, really know how to walk away from disappointment and fear? Will I be able to find the person that I am NOW even after I go into this relationship and begin a new way of life?" In short, you should not be dependent on your partner on your emotional needs. You yourself are responsible for your own feelings and creating positive experiences for both your partner and you whenever you are together.

(2) Love your partner for who they are. No one in this world is perfect. One day you will find your partner doing certain things or saying certain things that will hurt you, disappoint you or anger you. Before you go into any type of relationship, you have to ask yourself: "Will I be able to love my partner for who they are. If I am unhappy or angry with something they have said or done, will I be able to recognize my unhappiness or anger as against their speech, actions and behavior, and NOT against their persons?"

(3) Will I be able to love myself as much as I love my partner? If you cannot love yourself, how are you going to give love to another? This is a mistake most people make when they go into a relationship. They become over-obsessive with what they can give to their partners and what they can do for their partners. To ensure a fulfilling relationship, you have to learn to take care of your own needs as well. A true partner or lover is one who will make sure that you do not become too dependent on them. You are responsible for your own feelings and your own emotional needs too. You are a beautiful being. So, take care of yourself, love yourself, treat yourself to all the good things in life too, and do the same to your partner. Very soon you will find true love always coming your way without any effort on your part. As always, if you are encountering problems in your Relationship, try to dissolve all of your problems in love. And you'll be sure you are on your way to a peaceful and fulfilling relationship! And of course DEPRESSION LESS