What Do We Tell Our Children? or Little Pitchers Have Big Ears

In the last few days, be it on a TV interview, a call in program, at a meeting or a consultation, people ask variations of the following questions. “What do we tell our children about the bombing? Shall we keep it a secret? Shall we wait with the little ones until they ask? After all they don’t know the difference, anyway.” They say. “At what age can they comprehend what has happened? Won’t it scare them to talk to them?”

Adults often forget that children have ears. They make the mistake of believing that if a child isn’t told about an event, he or she won’t know what you don’t want him or her to know. Remember your own youth. Didn’t you learn almost everything your parents didn’t want you to? Children pick up secrets like sponges. And, if you don’t tell them your version, they will fill in the blanks with mixed-up stories of their own.

Very young children don’t know the difference between reality and fantasy. One burning building looks like another, one they have seen in the movies or on television or even a cartoon. But, depending upon how it is presented to them, children of about three can begin to differentiate fact from fiction.

During a crisis such as the one we are undergoing, be it war or a terrorist situation, the most important thing an adult can do is to tell simple truths calmly. I don’t care if you have to go to the bathroom and throw up because you are so upset. Remain calm and steady with your young children (and instruct their teachers to do the same). If your children feel safe with you, they will have a much better chance of managing to decipher the mélange of facts and images bombarding them. It is a mistake to try to hide what is happening from any child that asks about an event or what they see on television or hear at school or in the street. Over the age of three, something must be said, even if they don’t ask.

Older children need to be included in conversations even more than young ones. For them, because they do understand, about hijacked planes and deaths in a burning building, they are afraid. It is OK if they know you have feelings too. As long as you remain the adult and don’t cling to your children to make you feel better. Treat them as individuals who can think and feel. Be honest with them. It may prevent nightmares and other unhelpful ways children have of handling their anxieties.

Gather your loved ones around you, touch them, hold them, and talk. Under stress, it is important to reach out and to communicate. Even those of you of superman or wonder woman orientation must talk to your spouse, your partner, your friends, your religious mentor, a crisis hot line, a therapist, or any combination of the above. Without appropriately letting out your own feelings, you can compromise your immune system and eventually get ill. Don’t risk it. You owe it to yourself to remain healthy -- for your own sake and for those you love.

The following is an insightful communication I received from a colleague. I hope you find it helpful. “Dorree -- I do have a deeply lived insight … I was a child at Pearl Harbor. I carried the most awful tightly held terror for over fifty years. My trauma was less because of what I witnessed, and more because of hearing the indiscriminant conversations between the adults, which struck terror into my heart, since as an eight-year-old I had no context for them. The excited or even heightened affect that an adult may take for granted at times like these can pitch a child's ego into disarray. Best to you, Paula.”

Life is too hard to do alone,

Dr. D.

Dorree Lynn, PH.D.